Day #34: [Mostly] Fantastic Weekend

Activities
Contra Dancing: Recommended!
It's like square dancing, tons of fun and energizing.

Photoshoot with friends: Highly Recommended!

Struggles
So I didn't see him at all last Sunday, which didn't bother me. But I saw him more than I wanted today.
I hated it.
I hated that he smiled when he saw me and that I turned away in hostile anxiety. I hated that stupid beanie hat he was wearing.
I feel unexpectedly angry. How dare he come into my ministry room and talk to a kid when I'm just a glance away. I don't want to see him. I want him to run in shame from me, under the weight of his lies to me.

I need to pray over these feelings and wants.

Thanks for reading,
Avery

Day #30: Happy One Month of Singleness!

Activities
Be happily productive: Recommended

Quick synopsis:
Great day. Praised God. Was social. Had fun. Had new experiences. Got Starbucks.

Thanks for reading,
Avery

Day #29: Happy Would-Be Anniversary!

Activities
Dress nicely on accident: Recommended!

Be with friends and do homework to live music: Highly Recommended!

Struggles
So, today's the day: it would have been one year today. I don't feel very strongly and didn't even remember until halfway through the day.
In a way, it feels like a slap in the face, reminding how long I let that relationship deteriorate and hurt me. The break-up feels so close.
In another way, I feel as though I've come so far as a person in just a month. It feels like I haven't seen him in months.
Some new struggles of being single are starting to set in. A pair of acquaintances just started dating and seeing them in that first phase made me feel odd. I felt happy for them, but also bitter, projecting all of my past relationship's problems on them. It was like seeing a favorite dessert when one is on a diet...for the next eleven months.

Thanks for reading,
Avery

Day #20: The Rubberband Realization

Activities
Sing out loud to the car radio, especially with your bestie: Highly Recommended

Struggles

The ex-boyfriend frequents Starbuck like an addict. Non-single, male friend Bob asked me out to coffee as friends. He asked where I wanted to go and while I initially pleaded no preference, in a panic I ended up picking Starbucks. It was difficult stop thinking about the ex coming into Starbucks: seeing me with Bob, misunderstanding, and being wounded. 

He came physically close to me today. I was smiling at one of my friends, and the ex hugged someone from behind in my conversation circle. And my smile drifted with my eye gaze and made undeniable eye contact with him. I drifted my gaze and let my panic be felt by my close friend beside me. It's like he reached into my chest and just made me a little tangly for the rest of the afternoon. 

I was watching a film called “Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging” and they described the Rubberband effect. When you pull away from a guy, they pull closer. In the movie, the protagonist took another guy to the band gig of the guy she really wants.

I had the horrible realization that I still want the ex to pull closer.

It was ok to miss him a while ago. But now I’ve realized that I don’t want to get back together and I’m in the bitter stage. To realize that subconsciously I want him closer, is difficult to swallow. I resent it. I resent any semblance of power over me: the tangle in my chest, the want of pulling closer. I want nothing to do with him, nothing of him left on me. 

I need to pray for him, to forgive him. But I want to run farther.

Thanks for reading,

Avery

Day #19: Sabbath and the Bitter Stage

Activities

Be Busy: Recommend with Caution

Skipping Your Sabbath: Not Recommended!

So, it's been quite the week. I cheated on my Sabbath last Saturday. Jacquelyn had a family crisis on Tuesday. I had a convicting conversation on Wednesday. On Thursday, I had two large assignments due. It's not been bad, per say, but certainly difficult.

So, the moral of the week is: God knows best. I'm never skipping a Sabbath again, and I'm thinking of switching to Sunday afternoon through Monday morning. (I can't do Sunday morning, because children's ministry is work.) I would have really liked to have more energy to give in serving Jacquelyn and navigating that conversation on Wednesday. I wasn't physically tired, but I hadn't let my mind properly rest on Saturday.

In other news, I have officially hit the bitter stage of post-break up life. "But, Avery," you say, "Just in your last post, you missed him terribly!" Yes. But the days of a college student are long, and that feeling seems like weeks ago.
As I was talking with my friend Bob on Wednesday, he asked about the break-up. As I talked about it, I felt a very real anger towards my ex-boyfriend. And Bob asked, "Have you hit the bitter stage yet?" After I pause, I affirmed that I probably had. So, I think the appropriate response is to allow myself to feel that anger, but to pray for my heart towards him: that it would be made into one of forgiveness.

That conversation led to other convicting realizations, but that's for another post.

Thanks for reading,
Avery

Day #13: I Miss You?

On Friday, my friend Jesse asked if there was a dance at my school this fall. There is, but only the two of us could go, so we nixed that idea.
I remembered when we had went as a group this spring. I danced with my now ex-boyfriend. He wore the color of his eyes and when we finally slow danced, he looked at me so tenderly that I choked. I floated all night from that look and wrote a small poem about it. I started missing him a little more than I had been.

I saw him three times today. Like I had feared, he came into the children's ministry area, during my service. He saw me, he heard them say my name, and he looked away. Then he passed my college group classroom twice. He wore bright blue plaid, once again a favorite of mine.

I feel irrational. I felt like running to him, and crying into his chest, and promising anything. Even though I had never done anything of the sort when we were together.

I did not expect this.

I am not very good at feelings.

Now I think of a particular problem in our relationship that makes me wonder if I could trust him again.  I still feel so conflicted. I want to resolve these feelings, but are feelings problems to be resolved? Do I need to decide right now whether or not I would get back together with him?

It's going to be long year for sure. But what matters is if I work to make it a year of growth.

Thanks for reading,
Avery

Day #12: Heart Talk

Activity
Have meaningful conversation with your dearest friends: Highly Recommended

Talking. I can recite anything. I can tell a story. I can give a speech at the drop of a hat. However, personal talk is difficult for me. I'm an internal processor: preferring to make sense issues before I can talk about them to others. I'm independent, so in my ability to process issues myself, I shy away from talking about them with others.
This drives my roommate and best friend, Jacquelyn, crazy. She's a verbal processor, so she can't help but talk out her problems. She hates it when I shut her out of my pain. This has created a lot of tension and frustration between us.

But not today.

We stayed up talking until 1:00 this morning. (So it counts as today, right?)
I told her all that I had been keeping to myself: I miss him, the thought of him irritates me, I want him back, I don't want him back, I want to help him, and I want to egg his car.

This conversation made us closer. I could handle these things on my own. But sharing them with Jacquelyn was an opportunity to experience God's love, despite my confused and angry feelings. And I didn't experience that when I kept it all to myself. That led to a long conversation where we shared a lot and showed love to those dark, and painful places of each other's hearts.

What I learned:
Even if you can be alone, this isn't the life that God has for you. He has made us for intimacy and love: when we're single, too.

Thanks for reading,
Avery